Sen Mendiola

BLOG

My online journal filled with random musings on motherhood, life and my creative journey as an artist.

Musings 02: Big Emotions

I'm tired... No. Exhausted is more appropriate, I think.

I often wonder how much more polishing from God do I need?

Is there a lesson I'm stubbornly ignoring?

Or am I simply hard-headed and needing punishment to learn obedience?

———

Are the emotions I'm trying to push aside for years, are getting out of hand?

"Why you keep on holding them back? - they ask.

———

It's because the world made me feel that I don't have the right to.

Shouldn't express emotions. Shouldn't break. Shouldn't be sad.

Shouldn't make mistakes. Shouldn't be carefree.

I may look put together and secure. But deep inside, everything is crumbling. Struggling. Dying.

———
I always thought I'm simply a night-owl.

But I realized, I love staying up late to fill-up my craving.

Because I do love the taste of stillness, of quiet. It's peaceful for me.

The time when I can really be with myself.

To simply breathe and be emotionally free.

———

And after I indulge myself with such luxury, I put my mask back on.

Re-arrange my thoughts. Sleep. And face the world again.

:
:

Then the cycle continues...