Musings 02: Big Emotions
I'm tired... No. Exhausted is more appropriate, I think.
I often wonder how much more polishing from God do I need?
Is there a lesson I'm stubbornly ignoring?
Or am I simply hard-headed and needing punishment to learn obedience?
Are the emotions I'm trying to push aside for years, are getting out of hand?
"Why you keep on holding them back? - they ask.
It's because the world made me feel that I don't have the right to.
Shouldn't express emotions. Shouldn't break. Shouldn't be sad.
Shouldn't make mistakes. Shouldn't be carefree.
I may look put together and secure. But deep inside, everything is crumbling. Struggling. Dying.
I always thought I'm simply a night-owl.
But I realized, I love staying up late to fill-up my craving.
Because I do love the taste of stillness, of quiet. It's peaceful for me.
The time when I can really be with myself.
To simply breathe and be emotionally free.
And after I indulge myself with such luxury, I put my mask back on.
Re-arrange my thoughts. Sleep. And face the world again.
Then the cycle continues...